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#916792 by HWVlover
04 Feb 2016, 10:44
It was a long journey home.

I was knackered and on the last leg from Dubai in Economy I was really tired.
I had several of those “rest my elbow on the arm of the chair and then rest my head on my upturned hand” moments. Such moments are typically short lived for as soon as you nod off your arm collapses and you fall off your hand. My impression of a nodding dog obviously went down well judging by the mirth of nearby passengers and cabin crew

Anyway we touched down and the usual disembarkation chaos began.

Why do people want to undo seat belts before the sign goes off? Why do they need to stand up, blocking aisles? Why do some leap the seats like an Olympic hurdler?

Despite being exhausted I was quickly up, blocking the aisle and taking out a few people with the lid of the overhead locker.

And then off the plane into the current everyday equivalent of the Death Race 2000.

What has happened to hand luggage?

Hand luggage was (mine still is) something you CARRIED to and fro the plane and stored in the overhead locker or under the seat in front. Nowadays hand luggage is small to medium sized suitcases invariably with wheels, but NO steering.

So there I was rushing speedily to somewhere where I will wait...why do I need to do that? And I am being run over or taken out by random idiots driving suitcases for which they obviously have no licence and no ability. Jeez, my ankles and shins took a pounding and I came a hairsbreadth from tripping over as she in front of me took off in a different direction but failed to communicate such fact to her wheeled “hand luggage”..GRRRR.

And so to border control.

I have one of those passports which you put in a e-reader so avoiding the need for any human interaction with Heathrow’s favourite and so welcoming (NOT) folks..the border control staff.

So I go to the reader. Normally you get a green light and off you sprint to get more quickly to where you will have to wait or alternatively you get a red light and off you go to see the aforementioned grumps.

Not me. I get the e-reader who like a frivolous girl can simply not make up its mind. Am I god’s gift to crumpet, thinking woman’s hot totty (antique version) or a complete and utter tosser. The machine needs time to think, so examines and re-examines and rereexamines etc etc. It is not like you can force its hand and leave for the bloody thing has your passport gripped in its mechanical hand.

And yes, I had taken my glasses off. I had learned on previous occasions that once the light flashes then my reactolite lenses do what they are meant to do and react and I turn into looking like some hoodlum from the Sopranos.

And on the subject of x-ray machines (yes, I know) I allowed my magnificence to be seen on the full body scanner at Adelaide Airport and the lady operator said “you have a very nice
.
.
.
.
tan!

Anyway, I digress. Eventually after what seemed like five hours but was probably five minutes, the machine stopped behaving like a vacillating flbbertigibbet and decided I was persona acceptable and opened its gates and I returned to the race!

So I arrived in the baggage hall and carousel 6 where the contents of EK001’s hold was about to be delivered. My stuff had premium labels (nice lady at Adelaide allowed that although my second leg was in the aforementioned Economy. The first leg, ADL to DXB was in Business. And did I tell you about my upgrade to FIRST on EY on the way to OZ??? Did I???)

I think that I was in 7th place overall in the race to somewhere I would wait. Not bad. And I got to my favourite place close to the carousel, in fact so close to it that any closer and I would have been riding round on it.

An A380 airbus carries a lot of people, 90 odd being in the PREMIUM classes and 500 or more in Economy. It takes a while to unload the luggage, so long that a lot of other people rocked up at the carousel, several of whom decided to come and join me in my place.

They were so close that the only way they could have been closer would have required sexual intimacy! And they were so close that I could not actually move alone, we fitted together like some bizarre jigsaw puzzle. And I can still remember the breath of the one I came close to decking (no, not a sexual perversion, a phrase meaning a punch in the gob) on my nether regions.

Suitcases stated arriving. But not mine although several looked like mine. This gave me a chance to observe. Why do people attach those “I am a smug self satisfied shit and fly platinum on this or that airline” tags to the luggage which goes in the hold? Do they think that the baggage holders treat their luggage with adoration and reverence as a result? Idiots.

I keep all that smug self satisfied show-off stuff for my HAND luggage where it belongs and where people cannot pee on the bag or use it as a football.

And why do suitcases come off the plane wrapped in cling film, I am sure that is a recent occurrence. What on earth is it about?

And have you ever watched how people lift suitcases off the carousel? They don’t lift them off, perhaps because the cases are moving slowly they in fact take them off with an arcing movement generally in the direction from which the suitcases have come.

Now, bearing in mind how close people are standing to one another you can perhaps imagine the outcome, At times the fringes of carousel 6 looked more like the business end of a ten pin bowling alley, as the bowl arrived. And one poor chap who took a fully laden Samsonite full in the goolies was still receiving attention from the paramedics when I left.

Anyway my premium tagged suitcase failed to arrive with the premium ones. All that actually happened was that I got even more irritated by him I was increasingly feeling a desire to punch. Because he was only a foot or so away from me and he would not stop whistling.

I do not know whether it was an aria from Madame Butterfly, the latest tune from an X factor runner up or a made up load of rubbish but it was loud, constant and relentless. It was also a happy sounding noise which made it even worse.

I am glad I did not take my blood pressure at that time...I am sure I would have got that “go directly to hospital, you might already be dead” message! I was tempted to ask the medics but they were still busy with Samsonite man.

The only good thing, which saved the reincarnation of Whistling Jack Smith from getting his nose flattened was that his NON-premium (one can tell you know) suitcase arrived before my PREMIUM did and he buggered off to irritate others but not me any longer.

My suitcase eventually arrived, my taxi was outside and I set off home for a cup of tea.
Toodle Pip.
xx
:-D
#916801 by Eggtastico
04 Feb 2016, 12:59
If I have checked baggage, then I am in no hurry to get off the plane, as I will always get to the carousel before my baggage does. I have been at the carousel when my bag was first loaded & last loaded. Complete lottery.

However, on a budget flight with my maximum sized hand luggage, I have been off a plane & in my car in less than 10mins.

The reverse is the best when everyone is in a rush to get onto the plane. This is where I pay for my seat (on easyjet) rather than priority boarding. So I will sit there having another beer, while everyone scrambles for the best seats (at least 2x of which has already been reserved for Me & my missus).
#916802 by pjh
04 Feb 2016, 13:02
Eggtastico wrote:The reverse is the best when everyone is in a rush to get onto the plane. This is where I pay for my seat (on easyjet) rather than priority boarding. So I will sit there having another beer, while everyone scrambles for the best seats


...and fills up the overhead lockers.....
#916803 by hiljil
04 Feb 2016, 13:12
Welcome Home !!
:-D
#916804 by HWVlover
04 Feb 2016, 13:23
hiljil wrote:Welcome Home !!
:-D


Thank you.
I had to abandon my trip and come home 12 days early as my parents-in -law have sudden health issues. Fortunately Australia will still be there when things are sorted here.
And the numerous Barossa wineries can have some time to restock..!!
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