V-Flyer

I wasnt going to put fingers to keyboard on the subject of this trip as it was a short flight and much is happening currently that needs more than my trademark casual attention. However I am sat at my desk with no internet connection, and thus no email, for the next five hours so I thought Id do something a little more involved than pretending to read IT manuals.

An out of the blue phone call a couple of months ago led to a job offer in Malta. So after a few really cold weeks in Calgary training at our head office and another week in Antigua packing up my house there I found myself needing, obviously, to get to Malta.

I flew Virgin into Gatwick the Saturday before in the packed economy cabin of probably the most turbulent flight Ive ever taken. I thought I could easily withstand another short hop in economy but events at the airport changed my mindbut there I am getting ahead of myself.

I took the HEX from Paddington at around 8:15 am on the Monday morning and my first snafu of the day occurred when the conductor, quite haughtily pointed out that I should have used my printed receipt from their website to obtain my tickets from the many machines at the station. As this is quite opposite to the procedure on the GEX then I just assumed (and you know what happens when you assume) that the procedure was the same on the HEX. Well now I know different. The conductor took my receipt which meant I now had no ticket and no proof that I had paid a fare at all.

So I arrived at Terminal Four hoping that those exit barriers that you now see at most train stations were not in place, or I would have to relate the whole ticket story to whichever jobsworth was standing around at the time and I didnt feel like going through that at all. As it turns out my worries were groundless as they dont have those exit barriers.

So finally arriving in the departures area, after waiting for a lift for several minutes from the Hex platform area, I found the Air Malta check in with only a couple of people waiting to check in. Despite the short queue it still took fifteen minutes or so before I was ushered forward. I handed the check in agent my passport and put my bags on the scale.

Of course, being in London the ticket agent was South African with a thick Pretoria accent. I have a couple of friends from that area and the accent is unmistakable. Unfortunately the actual sentences they form are far from unmistakable and it took me a short time to decipher what he was saying. I guess he must have thought I was a bit challenged and was wondering why I was traveling without adult supervision.

Do you have a return ticket sir?
A what?.oh a return ticket, no I dont.
Do you live in Malta sir.
Eleven?..Oh sorryno I dont live in Malta just yet
Just yet sir?
Well I need to get there before I can live there, Im moving to Malta, today actually
Well you will need a return ticket or they wont let you in

Now that point is absolutely incorrect and I was getting a little irritable at this stage.

Did Malta just leave the EU this morning then?
Im sorry Sir?
Im an EU passport holder, I dont need anything other than my passport to enter another member state and I can stay for three months without any permits or paperwork whatsoever.
Thats not correct Sir, you will have to have a return ticket or they wont let you in.

I gave up at this point and figured Id just buy the ticket and ask for a refund from the airline later on.

Okay then, I suppose I need to go to the ticket desk
Yes Sir, please take your bags with you and come back here when you are done.

So I waltz back to the ticket desk, which of course is unmanned, and boasts a sign telling me that I need to use the KLM ticket desk which was handy as that was right next door.

The ticket agent calls me forward, am I the only one that thinks of the Thunderbirds when I see someone in a KLM uniform. I ask the agent if there is availability in the Business cabin for my flight and I also need to buy a fully flexible economy return from Malta for the start of next month. She asked which return date specifically and I said I didnt care I was just going to cash the ticket back in anyway.

Why are you going to do that sir?
Well apparently I need to have a ticket off the island or they wont let me enter
Arent you an EU passport holder sir?
Yes I am
Well then you dont need a return ticket sir, you can just travel on this one

(TAAAA DAAAAA or perhaps BADA-BING for our American cousins.)

Do you know, I thought that was the case but they check in agent told me otherwise
Which one sir?
The South African gentleman
Oh well hes new and at this she picks up the phone and asks to speak to the agent, which of course means that she has to speak to several other people before finally getting through to the pride of Pretoria. They debate my ability to travel under basic EU guidelines and reach a compromise that she should consult the Handbook.

This process takes a full twenty minutes, at this point my bladder began requesting a pit stop As I didnt know how long the ticket agent was going to take I bravely stuck things out but soon found myself beginning those little jigs that people with the need end up doing. I was trying to be subtle but the jig has to escalate over time to remain of any use.

Okay sir, Ive upgraded your seat you will need to pay two hundred pounds, can I have your credit card please?
Um [Jig Jig] you already have my card
Do I sir?
YES you do [Jig Jig Jiggity Jig]
Oh yes I do have your card, okay I wont be a minute

At which point she disappears back into the back room again!

(DisclaimerI debated including the next paragraph but it was so funny at the time I thought Id put it in. If it offends then Mods please feel free to cut it out).

At this point my body decides that what I really need to take my mind off my impending internal rupture was a very noticeable surprise attack of flatulence. So there I am, trying to discreetly gyrate up and down on one leg when said attack happens. The Japanese man behind me looks up at me and steps back a couple of feet. Well that was all it took to set me off. Im now standing there guffawing with tears in my eyes as the agent returns, enters the newly created kill zone, gives me a quizzical and rather disapproving look and thankfully also gave me my new ticket, the receipt to sign and my credit card. I was out of there in a flash still laughing as I tugged my luggage as fast as I could towards the nearest convenience.

So having taken care of my immediate needs I now head off to the Air Malta business class check in where a very polite, but slow, young lady checks me in. I ask if there is lounge access and she gives me an invite for the KLM lounge at gate 17. Which just happens to be the gate my flight will be using.

Fast track is hardly fast, but there had to be a hundred people in the regular security line so I was thankful for small mercies. Of course some people felt that they should only remove shoes, belts and laptops when they actually arrive at the machine and not before. Still what can you do eh!

I walked up to the lounge which is functional and decorated in early seventies wine bar style. I debated a beer but it was now nine thirty in the morning so I stuck with bottled water and decided that some Walkers chocolate chip shortbread biscuits would suffice for breakfast. The offerings were some pieces of fruit, biscuits, muffins or crisps and it was a pretty poor selection.

I spent an hour online at one of their very slow PCs, checked V-Flyer amongst other websites and then went into the hall to await boarding. I sat down and participated in some people watching and shamelessly eavesdropped on the conversation behind me which was taking place between a group of people in the same industry as myself. I made a note to myself never to discuss clients and revenue details with my peers in situations where I could be so easily overheard by someone like, well like me really.

Boarding just commenced. Thats exactly what happened. There was no announcement, the ladies at the gate opened the doors and the boarding vultures hanging at the gate immediately walked up and began to board. There was no call for people with small children or business class passengers. The rest of the passengers just followed suit and walked up to the gate ready to board. Sorry I dont know the type of aircraft, it was a Boeing two engine aircraft but a small one holding possibly 150 people.

We walked down several flights of stairs and outside to the plane. I noticed that the business class cabin had the same seat configuration as the economy cabin and thought Id made a mistake upgrading when I noticed that the middle seat was not functional and had a drinks tray installed instead. I took my seat in 2F and the width and pitch was fine. If the pitch is the same in the back of the plane then I dont see me bothering to fly up front on Air Malta from now on as the seats are a hell of a lot better than Virgins economy product.

We taxied for what seemed like an age and I fell asleep before we took off. I awoke with a jump when the FA woke me to ask if I wanted lunch. Lunch was a choice of Salmon or Duck. I dont eat a lot of fish but chose the Salmon as I didnt fancy re-heated duck. The FA brought me a white wine, some Maltese variety that was okay but nothing earth shattering and subsequently brought my lunch. Just prior to my lunch arriving the lady in front of me decides to recline her seat fully. Who the hell does that on a plane when they are serving food? I debated tapping her awake and asking her to put the seatback up but the pitch was fine and it wasnt overly difficult to eat with her seat reclined...okay okay yes I chickened out and avoided the confrontation hoping the FA would ask her to put her seat upright, which she didnt. Full marks to the VS FAs on my Friday flight, they made sure that didnt happen when they were serving dinner and it was much appreciated.

Anyway back to lunch. It was a tomato and mozzarella salad with Salmon in a cream and tomato sauce served with veggies and spinach and some cheesecake. All of this was on the tray along with some cheese and crackers, some olives and a couple of warmed bread rolls. Oh there was a coffee cup there as well. The tray was quite packed and turned lunch into a Tetris like affair as I worked out how to extricate the various items.

Horror of horrors the Salmon had shrimp on it. I have an allergy to shellfish that is/used to be very extreme indeed. I inadvertently ate one of the shrimp (they were very small) before I realized what had happened. I was now very concerned as like I said my allergy was/is very serious. Yet strangely nothing happened. I didnt chance my luck by eating any more of the wee pink things but I am now considering provocation tests to see if my allergy to shellfish has abated. It will be interesting if it has as Im nearly forty and have never eaten things like Clams, Lobster, and Oysters, so if my allergy isnt a factor any more then I have lots of new culinary experiences to look forward to.

Lunch over with I declined the offer of tea or coffee and put my seat back all the way back (there was an empty seat behind me) and began to watch Robots on the overhead monitor. I drifted off to sleep and woke up as we began our descent. We flew over Gozo, the smaller sister island to Malta and then over a large part of the island before touching down. The island looked very picturesque from the air.

We taxied and stopped and the business class cabin de-planed into a waiting bus which took us the short journey to the terminal. I approached passport control a little concerned that both I and the KLM ticket agent had been wrong and they wouldnt admit me without an onward ticket. Also as I am coming here to live and work I was planning responses to the usual questions so as to not end up pulled into a little room somewhere whilst serious looking men decided if I was an illegal immigration risk. For the record Im not here illegally, far from it, but there is just something about the word work that sets off immigration officers, and once unleashed they are buggers to get back into their cages.

The lady at passport control swiped my passport and thanked me and off I walked, it must have taken less than ten seconds with no questions being asked at all. I must just look like the decent sort.

The baggage took about twenty minutes to arrive and the priority tags that they had added in Heathrow had little effect as my bags were among the middle to last to arrive. I walked straight through the EU zone and out to meet my waiting work colleague who drove me to my apartment.

Well thats about it I guess. Here I am ensconced in the Portomaso complex on the island where our absolutely beautiful company apartment is, and our less impressive but still very nice office. There is a large and relatively new Hilton Hotel a block from this spot along with more restaurants and bars than you can shake a stick at. Well seeing as I wont have internet at work for another three and a half hours I think Ill shoot off home to post these ramblings then take a walk to the Hotel for lunch.

All the best

Adam