QV0901 VTE-HOE 19 NOV 11 (ECONOMY)
Posted: 08 Dec 2011, 18:32
This is the one I have been dying to report upon. Ever since the flight I have been crafting it in my mind, turning each phrase and preparing it for your maximum pleasure. 
We had thought it was going to be a bog standard flight from Vientiane to Houeisay. It wasn’t!! So, dear reader, get yourself a cup of tea, a beer, a glass of wine or a G&T, put your feet up and enjoy. If you’re reading this at work, make sure the boss isn’t watching and if you are the boss, make sure that no-one is skiving by reading this trip report!!
Before we get to the flight though, let me just recap a bit about Vientiane. Our hotel was near the banks of the Mekong River along which every night a market was set up. After the aggressive marketing in Siem Reap, especially from the kids (“One dollah! You buy? Why no?”) it was a relief to be able to stroll and examine the goods on offer at our leisure. We also went to the somewhat bizarre Buddha Park with over 200 Buddha statues made from reinforced concrete,
the Stupa containing the “bosom bone of the Lord Buddha”
and the rather hideous Arc de Triomphe type structure again made out of reinforced concrete
as well as walking through the main areas of the city. Street food was on offer. I was going to say alive and well but I’ve just remembered the stall that had live frogs waiting to be cooked!! Oh, and before I forget, we had to get money out of the ATM as this was the only way to get Lao Kip. I took out half a million kip which equated to 46 euro!!
OK, back to the flight.
We were brought back to the airport by the same tiny Lao man in the same huge car which had met us at the airport. We arrived at about 11:30am for a 1:05pm flight which we expected to be an hour long to Houeisay. Chris was looking forward to this flight for the simple reason that the plane was scheduled to be a MA60 which is a Chinese built plane based on a Russian design (but has Pratt and Witney engines so that makes it all right) It was going to give him a bit of one-upmanship on a mutual friend who has travelled extensively globally for his work but had never flown on this type of aircraft. Boys and their toys!!
Our driver deposited us at the domestic terminal at the airport and we screened our checked bags on entry before making our way to the check-in area. There were three desks open and Chris joined the longest line but I realised that they were checking in one each for Pakse, Luang Prabang and Ho Chi Minh City. No mention of Houeisay! We stood in the middle of the check-in area trying to look lost and bewildered and the staff started beckoning us to come over to one of the open desks. We managed to convey that we were going to Houeisay and all of a sudden they sprang into action and opened a fourth desk for us. This of course meant we got SEQ 1 and 2 since OLCI is not a feature of Lao Airlines. So there we were chatting idly while they processed our check-in and watching carefully while they tagged our bags when all of a sudden the check-in lady handed something over to the porter who had been assisting us when they had opened the desk and they each slapped something on our chests. We looked down and found we were sporting stickers saying “TRANSIT” Chris pointed out that our flight was supposed to be non-stop but they shook their heads vigourously. “No! No! You stop” and they pointed to the legend above the desk where a second destination had been added. “You go Houeisay but you stop first. It OK” they reassured us. Ah well!
We exited the check-in area and looked at our boarding passes. QV901 had morphed into QV401 and our boarding time was now 1:10pm - five minutes after our original departure time. Given the added stop, God alone knew what time we were going to arrive in Houeisay but it certainly wasn’t going to be 2:10pm. Ah well!
The domestic terminal only has one gate so we had to wait in the departures area which, quite frankly looked like the waiting room of a provincial bus station! This was compounded by the fact that many of the women had shopping bags full of groceries and fresh foods and looked as if they had just done the weekly shop. Perhaps they had. There was a snack bar, a stall selling various sundries including sweets and snacks and that was really that. We had to wait in this area until our flight was called and the first few announcements were in Lao! Eventually we realised that occasionally an announcement in English which began “Ladies and gentlemen” but after that was totally unintelligible so that we had to listen to the destination name. Pakse, Luang Prabang and Ho Chi Minh City came and went and eventually the magic word “Houeisay” was heard and we headed off to the gate area and the screening area.
At the gate area Chris’s hopes for the MA60 were dashed as it was just beginning to taxi on another flight. So an ATR72 it was to be. Ah well! As we waited we looked at our fellow travellers and I instantly coveted a rich purple and gold jacket and sarong-style skirt worn by an elegant lady who was to be on our flight. In the fullness of time our plane arrived and parked about 100 metres to the right of our door and the passengers were bussed to the terminal. The bus then positioned itself to carry us to the plane!
The flight was called and immediately there was a problem. One of the the passengers was in a wheelchair and there was no means of getting him on the plane - or more correctly out of the departure area! Two phrases that seemed to be unknown in that part of the world were “Health and Safety” and Disability Access” Eventually it was resolved by the staff manhandling the wheelchair over the step and trundling it over to the plane with the occupant’s carer accompanying him. Once he was installed they started boarding the rest of us but the first people out of the lounge had seen yer man being pushed across to the plane and so they did the same and started to walk over. Boarding had to be stopped while they were called back and installed on the waiting bus!!
Once on board, sanity was temporarily restored as the safety announcement was made, the flight took off and we were given a bag of dried fruit which was so nice that we bought some a few days later when we got to Luang Prabang.As the flight progressed the terrain changed dramatically as we flew over mountainous jungle areas
before we we descended into Godknowswhere!
As we landed we hadn’t a clue of where we were. We didn’t even know if we were still in Laos but we figured that if we weren’t there would have been some immigration procedures and our exit visas were still in our passports. However we were totally unprepared for the sight that met us as we taxied towards the terminal.
Now I know some of you regard me as a bit of a legend when it comes to gin consumption but I certainly wasn’t expecting this reception committee!!
Chris opined it was for the millionth passenger but that was unlikely to be awarded in the middle of nowhere. Eventually as the personage made his way down the receiving line the couple in the seats in front of us went ballistic.
Eventually we were allowed off the plane and could see the motorcade waiting to whisk yer man away. God knows, if it had been anywhere in the western world we would have been held back until it had moved off but we were able to walk past and have a quick gawk into the tinted windows! It was also at this stage that we learned exactly where we were.
Once at the terminal we were able to avail of the facilities of the luxurious transit lounge and watch the proceedings from there.
We could have gone into the departure lounge where people were going through security but we would have missed the fun!
We hadn’t been there before long when we became aware that a lady was having a rant on her mobile phone. Let’s face it, whatever language you speak, a rant is a rant and easily identifiable by the rising decibels in the conversation and we all knew someone somewhere was getting an earful! Eventually she snapped her clam shell phone shut in a way that spoke volumes - more so than the conversation. However our attention was diverted by the arrival of the luggage cart which wheeled up outside our luxurious transit lounge and we viewed with interest, its contents. It was mostly cargo and that was mostly boxes of printing paper although there was a smallish package about 2’x1’ but when the baggage handler tried to lift it he nearly broke his back! Eventually it was resolved by sliding it to the edge of the cart and not two but three people lifting it off the cart!! Incredible! There was also another drama going on. There had been about two or three suitcases on board as well as the cargo and we had learned that this was the airport for the Plain of Jars as evidenced by hotel drivers seeking their passengers. All of a sudden we were aware that the lady who had been having a rant was having another hissy fit! She was talking to one of the baggage handlers and gesticulating madly showing her baggage tags. Where were her bags?! There was a lot of arm waving and we became aware that the couple who had been in front of us on the flight were breaking their hearts laughing as they understood what was happening. Eventually we all became aware as the baggage handlers shouted at her “YOU-GET-BACK-ON-PLANE” She had thought she was in Houeisay!! A chorus of “Ho! Ho! Ho!” echoed round the area.
While this was going on the cabin crew had left the plane and had surreptitiously snuck outside the airport through a gate and had gone to what we in Cork would call a huckster shop and others seeing that had also done the same! Security, what's that?! In the meantime some other creatures invaded the area and were heading purposefully for the plane,
Eventually we were allowed to board and to our surprise there was one passenger still left on board - the wheelchair passenger!! So much for having to leave the aircraft because the crew were leaving!! A terrorist could have had a field day!
The flight took off and we were told that there would be no in-flight service because of the shortness of the flight. So much for the crew’s shopping! We began our descent in Houeisay and I gazed at the scenery and especially the Mekong River where we would be cruising on the morn. Suddenly the sound of the engines changed and Chris and I looked at each other and simultaneously said “A go-around!” My first!! I have been blooded! 
We landed safely into an airport marginally bigger than Xiengkhouang. The major difference was that it had a fire engine!! Most people who had boarded at Xiengkhouang remained on board as the plane was returning to Vientiane. We however disembarked and while waiting for our bags, watched as the captain did his check of the plane. As bizarre as the flight had been so far, the most bizarre occurence then happened. A guy smoking a cigarette made his way to the plane to talk to the captain, shook hands with him and, standing directly under the fuel laden wings proceded to chat with him!!
The baggage cart arrived to salvage the situation. Baggage belt? What baggage belt? It was simply self service from the cart!! Our bag tags were checked upon leaving the airport and we threw ourselves on the mercy of the local taxi service which had eight of us crammed into the same vehicle with our luggage on top. I clung to my carry-on which held my iPad and held our breath for the rest of the trip. Soon we were checking in to our hotel where we had to sign a form from the Tourist Police which told me I must be in bed by 11:30pm!!!! Ye gods! I’m 65 next week and I’m being told what time to go to bed!! The best of it all though was this gem:
"Do not bring any drugs, gambling, or bring both women and men who is not your own husband or wife into the room for making love."
Spoilsports!!