V-Flyer

MY TRIP REPORT #2 OR: BJORK, CAN YOU COME OUT AND PLAY?

Leaving London, whilst unremittingly and consistently a sad occasion, has at least become a series of familiar steps: depart hotel and hail cab in front of Kelly Hoppen's shop; ask to be taken to Paddington; endure cabbie's pitch for you to forego HEX and let him take you to LHR instead; politely inform cabbie that HEX tickets are already purchased; experience complete silence from cabbie for remainder of journey through Exhibition Road, Hyde Park, Bayswater; board HEX and make note of Wembley arch in distance and Eurostar yards in Royal Oak; arrive at LHR and navigate its bowels to UC check-in...

Where GB (Ginger Breadstick; cf ex-USA VS020 TR for more information) and I are met by a VS employee at the security podium.

'Have you been profiled by security, sir?' she asks.

Tired, having returned to London from Positano, Italy, only hours before and with little sleep, I reply, 'If they had, I think they would be doing so in secret.'

'No sir,' she replies, 'I mean have they asked you the security questions.'

'Ahhh...' Upon my reply in the negative, she went to fetch the errant inquisitor and found him soon enough.

I was asked the usual questions ('Did you pack these bags yourself?' 'Are you Labour?' 'Would you like to donate to the party and become a lord? A baronet? A duke?' 'Two cars are driving toward one another in the Royal Hospital Road at 30 miles per hour -- which will hit a Chelsea Pensioner first?' and so forth). Answering all apparently to the satisfaction of HM's Government standards, I was ushered forth into the queue where between me and the check-in counter stood only a family of gingers -- Papa, Mummy, and three sprogs, like a bunch of organic carrots at the Soho Fresh & Wild. GB was duly impressed, but I felt as if perhaps the son may have been sired by Major James Hewitt.

Soon it was our turn, and the pleasant staffperson checked us in and assured us our bags would be given priority status. She asked us if we were ready to put the rainy English summer behind us and we confessed we'd spent the bulk of our European sojourn in sunny Positano. We suggested she give it a go ASAP and she was quite amenable.

Fast Track security was literally a two-minute experience and we were exhaled into the capitalistic frenzy that is duty free shopping. We made a direct bee line to Paul Smith where, even with sale prices, we found nothing to buy, and then around to the other usual suspects (Gucci, Thomas Pink, Dunhill to ogle cufflinks) and finally making our sole purchase of the day in the form of wine tasting note books at Smythson.

Arriving at the CH check-in podium, I noticed four post-it notes stuck thereon, indicating the names of four Major Hollywood Stars who had treatments scheduled in the Cowshed spa for later in the day. One of these was a younger Hispanic male whose father, also famous, committed suicide many years ago and I would have been very pleased to lay eyes (at least) upon this fellow but, alas, we would be long gone before his arrival.

GB and I took up residence in The Library and checked e-mails, bank balances, etc., on the CH computers. As usual, I was not approached by staff for my drinks or food request and had to go find someone to bring us glasses of Champagne. Pounding these down, we then moved to the former (mirabile dictu!) smoking area where we enjoyed scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, a veritable right of passage for GB, and so now he's fully CH blooded! [y]

I then went to the Cowshed spa to confirm our massage appointments and was disappointed by: 1) the fact they'd changed one of our confirmed massages for another, unwanted, treatment (thank god I'd brought along printouts of the confirmation e-mails); 2) the fact they'd moved one of our treatment times; 3) the explanation they gave for this change which was 'troubles we're having with the therapists' [:0]; and, 4) the icy demeanour of the staffperson at the desk who shared all this. Indeed, she seemed to be on a one woman quest to reverse global warming. Whilst this is a salutory pursuit, it was unwelcome in this context. When I thanked her for fixing what needed fixing, she replied with my most hated substitution for 'You're welcome' which is 'No problem.' Frankly, darling, I don't care if it is a problem for you -- I just need you to do your job.

After this, I needed more Champagne.

Our treatments themselves were lovely ([:w]) and the therapist was a delightful young woman whose commitment to customer service will, hopefully, rub off on her churlish teammate.

Immediately after our therapies, GB and I went to board Mustang Sally. Again, we were upstairs, with me in 3K, my Official Grinning Jackanapes Home in the Sky (TM). The seats were clean and in excellent working order. They had the new 'finger guards' affixed to the controls on the left wall.

The boarding and take off process were all standard, with no personal introduction by the FSM (which is, regretably, apparently standard, as well, these days.)

After an hour's delay (slow boarding combined with LHR ground congestion), we were wheels up an hour late at noon. I requested a treatment and was not asked, nor did I tell, regarding my previous treatment in the CH. GB declined a treatment as he thought he might get some kip on the flight as we had dinner plans with dear friends later that evening in SF.

Sadly, things went solidly Eurypidian in the following hours as GB and I, holding that gods exist, deceived ourselves with unsubstantiated dreams.

In other words, shortly after crossing Iceland -- and getting some cracking photos -- the gods apparently felt that we had not seen enough of that mysterious country because a message laden with dread portent came over the tannoy: 'Is there anyone on board with medical expertise?' In my viscera, I sensed that nothing good was going to come of this for the afflicted pax...or the rest of us.

Well chalk one up for my gut -- it guessed right. The captain next announced that, due to the dire nature of the pax's medical problem, we were going to dump fuel and divert to KEF. This took about 45 minutes to accomplish and then, improbably, the glorious Mustang Sally descended through the gloomy clouds and onto the terra firma volcanica that is Iceland. I dreamed of swan dresses and Matthew Barney...

The captain reported that we would only be on the ground for 'less than an hour.' In this time, we sat and sat and sat. Then we looked out one side of the plane to see the pax being offloaded (happily, he appeared coherent and stable) and, on the other, a luggage bin with his bags being pulled out. Astoundingly -- what are the odds? -- this bin contained the bags of GB and myself, and we watched horrified as these were heaved (bottles of limoncello and all) onto the tundric tarmac. Thus, our impedimenta touched sovereign Icelandic soil, whilst we, ourselves, did not. Still, I'm putting in a new pin on the Countries I've Visited map.

The captain's optimism was short-lived, as he reported at least one of the various fuel trucks on site was 'broken' and thus our less-than-an-hour Icelandic sojourn turned into 150 excruciating minutes. During this time, no drinks service was offered and IFBT treatments were suspended, as was IFE -- which hurt particularly as I was engrossed in episode one of 'The Line of Beauty.'

Eventually, we took off again, with the captain and FSM both offering effusive thanks to crew and pax for their diligence and patience, respectively. I could only feel that the one person that really needed thanking was the doctor who helped the stricken pax (to be fair, this was offered by the captain at the end of the flight).

IFE was soon back up and running and this was a godsend, as we had 8 more hours of a truly hard slog of a journey. I watched all three episodes of 'Beauty,' 'The Lives of Others,' and 'Factory Girl' (the former two excellent, the latter rather puerile).

Again, the food was generally a disappointment. GB joined me at 3K for luncheon and whilst he enjoyed his carrot and apple soup (I had a taste and it was OK), my prawn salad looked and tasted like a reform school girl's home economics final project -- those hideous, larvae-size micro shrimp on a bed of greens more wilted than a Sheffield United fan's hopes for Premier League salvation. To be fair, we both found the lamb in the 'roast dinner' main to be succulent, but the attendant bits and bobs were salty and unwelcome.

GB's pudding -- strawberry ice cream -- came out with the consistency of a Waterloo cannon ball but eventually thawed to creamy goodness. My strawberry Bakewell tart, however, was like biting into a bag of vaguely fruit-infused flour and since I am not a mealworm nor cupboard mouse (but am, at times, a footy pitch rat), I did not find this appetizing in the least.

Tea was also a challenge. GB sent his scone back without touching it, remarking it was a pathetic serving size (granted, the lad requires a fuel intake equivalent to the entire boiler room of the Titanic) and so we both ended up with the stale, uninspired tea sandwiches which we nibbled half-heartedly, if only to survive. Now we have a better idea of what those Uruguayan rugby players in 'Alive' went through.

When we finally landed -- finally! Five hours late! -- GB and I were both in a daze, and were so late we had to cancel our dinner plans. Again, this was sad for us, but our true sympathies remained with the sick pax and his family. Think how helpless they must have felt with their father(?), husband(?), friend (certainly, to someone) lying sick upon some scrap of igneous rock in the middle of the North Atlantic. We counted our blessings and were pleased to see our luggage again among the first dozen or so bags (GB's bag #3 on the carousel, again, as at LHR...how does he do this?).

Customs was a breeze and, in perhaps 30 minutes after landing, we were speeding in a cab toward our suite at The Clift hotel, where we would eat a quick room service dinner and sleep for the next 10 hours.

Final verdicts:

Check-In: Efficient, very friendly, and they followed through on their priority baggage commitment.

Seat: Clean, comfortable and a god-send considering what it must have been like for Y pax to be stuffed in for the terrible duration of this flight.

Food & Drink: Slightly better than ex-USA but nothing like what it ought to be for the price. And the fact that no service was proactively offered -- not even bottled water -- during the ground diversion seemed mean.

Entertainment: Along with the seat, my personal saviour on this god-forsaken leg. It saved (the remaining shreds of) my sanity, but couldn't it have been switched on whilst we sat on the ground?

Cabin Crew: Effiicient and friendly, and god knows they never got testy in the face of what must have been overall pax dismay. Though none of them distinguished themselves to me with breakthrough levels of service, their professionalism in the face of the challenge at hand needs to be recognized with a higher than average rating.

Now I am left with the question of whether I will fly UCS again -- taking the trouble and added expense to get to SFO, as opposed to flying BA direct from SEA in NNNNNNNNNCW for an almost equal price. Looking at both legs, and removing the whole Iceland anomaly from the equation, I would have to say 'unlikely' on a revenue ticket (I have enough miles now to go UCS for free and will of course avail myself of that hard-earned reward).

Until I see in these pages that the food is vastly improved and overall cabin service has returned to the golden days of old where warm personal greetings and an innocent sauciness prevailed, I will be looking into my BA option. I am saddened to even type those words, and I know there are crew out there who would have made my entire journey to and from LHR golden, but the fact is I did not meet them, and in the meantime, there was that ghastly food...

Respectfully submitted,

GJ

GJ ............. what about the amenity kits [}:)]

It's sad to hear that but not wholly remarkable. Must say I've now had several good FSMs in a row so I'm currently happy. [;)]. The KEF redirection sounds like a pain - shame you couldn't have got off and wandered around the airport! At least the trip subtitle became clear. [:)]

GJ

Grateful thanks for this TR which clearly comes from the heart[y][y]

I recall from previous posts how much you were looking forward to the UC experience and that of the Heathrow Clubhouse. To find both falling well below expectations, you are quite right to re-consider your choice of carrier.

Whilst the menu is better than the last incarnation, it still leaves a lot to be desired when comparing to the fare of some years back. Some of the other disappointing bits would not cost VS a bean (greeting for example) and one cannot help but think VS are missing some tricks here.

Thanks once again for a very entertaining read

buns

Originally posted by Decker
It's sad to hear that but not wholly remarkable. Must say I've now had several good FSMs in a row so I'm currently happy. [;)]. The KEF redirection sounds like a pain - shame you couldn't have got off and wandered around the airport! At least the trip subtitle became clear. [:)]

I suspect it helps your being Au, but I do recall several trips -- on reward tickets, even! -- when the FSM came by and charmingly mangled my surname with a sincere personal welcome. It's so bloody easy, and I would think the role modeling of personal attention and appreciation for the UC client base would go miles to instilling same in the rest of crew and would probably even set a cultural standard that led to everyone on board being treated extra special.

You're lovely.

GJ

Originally posted by buns4vs
GJ

Grateful thanks for this TR which clearly comes from the heart[y][y]

I recall from previous posts how much you were looking forward to the UC experience and that of the Heathrow Clubhouse. To find both falling well below expectations, you are quite right to re-consider your choice of carrier.

Whilst the menu is better than the last incarnation, it still leaves a lot to be desired when comparing to the fare of some years back. Some of the other disappointing bits would not cost VS a bean (greeting for example) and one cnnot help but think VS are missing some tricks here.

Thanks once again for a very entertaining read

buns

You're lovely.

As for my expectations of VS, I was more concerned about GB's reaction and pleasure with the service as this could be a once-in-a-lifetime thing for him (or at least once in a long while as he's a horticulture student and more likely to have pots of nasturtiums versus money in the next few years).

Gladly, he was so 'wowed' by everything he did not see the cracks in the facade (and foundation) that I did.

I do hope they come around.

GJ

Taking ou the sick pax which is sadly always ubforseen but, all too frequent, your TR was.....................lovely[;)]

Originally posted by Roxy-Popsy
Taking ou the sick pax which is sadly always ubforseen but, all too frequent, your TR was.....................lovely[;)]

You're lovely.

GJ

Originally posted by GrinningJackanapes
Gladly, he was so 'wowed' by everything he did not see the cracks in the facade (and foundation) that I did.

GJ

I know this was important to you, so it is good to learn GB was suitably wowed

Thanks for the compliment[:I][:I]

buns

GJ, well done on combining literary genius and wit to produce this refreshingly objective TR. Unfortunately, I did not expect your final conclusion (and neither I dare say did you when you set out from SEA), particularly as so many of us continue to forgive VS for its many shortcomings in a bid to keep flying with the carrier in the hope it will one day return to the days of old; well, Y2K at least[;)]

45.

GJ, thank you for sharing that with us, it was a joy to read if not wholly a joy to experience.

I think GJ is right with his last paragraph. The food and patchy service onboard are beginning to test the loyalties of even it's most ardent supporters. The menu is an absolute joke at times, and we've discussed before how a crew can make or break a flight. The divert on the flight home for GJ, is inconvenient but again I think the round of drinks would have helped. The J/F Passenger market is a lucrative one, especially those that choose to pay out of their own pocket and airlines need to look after them or they will go elsewhere. Can you imagine the repercussions if a member of crew on SQ J/F were to behave like some of the individuals a few V-Flyers have encountered of recent?

Thanks,
Richard

Originally posted by RichardMannion
The divert on the flight home for GJ, is inconvenient but again I think the round of drinks would have helped.

GJs VS experience was in stark contrast to the time I had a lengthy tech delay at LHR on one of UAs 747s (Cargo door locks - not something you want to have problems with on the 747, being it's decompression party piece - United 811 refers).

The crew broke out the full bar service while still on the ground (even considered cooking the meals), and I spent about 90 minutes of the delay (which eventually ended after 5 hours with the crew timing out just as they managed to fix the plane, having borrowed the parts required from either BA or VS) sat in the jumpseat chatting with the friendly crew, while the flight attendants kept popping back in to top my glass of Zinfandel up.

Actually I remember having a meal served on the ground on UA, we were sat at IAD, in the Penalty Box, with no hope of going anywhere in the next two hours, it was late, so the Purser decided they'd feed us now.

Can you imagine the repercussions if a member of crew on SQ J/F were to behave like some of the individuals a few V-Flyers have encountered of recent?

I'm sure SQ don't stand for any messing, but then, they are also based in somewhere that's near enough a Police State... Oh, hang on a minute... [}:)]

Linking to another fairly current thread, maybe VS should consider increasing their cabin crew's pay, but at the same time become a hell of a lot more exacting and choosy about who gets through the door.

Mike

Thanks GJ a great TR indeed! [^][^]

Shame about the food! A topic that has been coming up more and more!

Sounds like you had a great time in Italy though [y]

Dominic

GJ
Thanks for a thoroughly entertaining TR. I know how much you were looking forward to both flights and especially as it was out of your own hard earned dosh, to have such a disappointing let down, only rightly makes you think towards BA in the future.

Iain

GJ,

Great TR and I have to agree with you 100% regarding the food on board and whay they cannot seem to get it right (even though the lamb is really good). I will be heading off to Barbados next April and VS have both priced themselves out of the market as well as offering now what seems to be product BA seem beating them hands down. Its a real shame as I really like the concept of what VS have to offer but again we seem to keep seeing tha standards drop according to a lot of the trip reports.I have to admit my last trip was good but the food was not good at all on the reutn trip. Sorry but no excuse for what they charge.

Slightly hijacking your Barbara Windsor infatuation, could I just say what a lovely pair (of TR's). Oo-err missus etc.

Paul

GJ - 2 right good TR's, both had me laughing out loud, glad I saved them till tonight to read. So sorry our inbound flight got delayed by 24 hours meaning we missed each other at LHR, we will have to catch up some other time, how exciting[:)]

[:X][:I]

A smashing pair of TRs GJ!

Like you were, I am really looking forward to my upcoming UCS flights. I'm getting connecting flights to JFK to fly with VS to LHR when I could fly directly from BDA with BA! I do this because I generally enjoy flying VS. So, I can completely understand how disappointed you are with certain aspects of your VS experience.

However, even if you do chose to fly BA in the future, I hope you will still grace us with your highly entertaining 'lovely' TRs [^]

Great trip reports [y]

Shame about the food and especially the lack of attention on the ground during the diversion.


It does take the shine off what should be a really good experience and VS do really need to step up their game in certain areas....the service is far too patchy [V]

So the food subject raises it's ugly head again.

When will VS get it right...well next to never by the looks of it.

On my last UC flight in Dec, the ex SFO was ok..the ex LHR was inedible and I ended up getting a mixture of PE and Y food....actually now I think about it on my flights last year the only decent food I had WAS in Y...

Why can't VS go back to basics..lets face it..carrot and apple soup...yeah ok..well for the adventurous ones amongst us they may risk it, but it is to easy to mess up..how about a good old fashioned cream of chicken..yes it doesn't give out a hip and trendy vib, but it is darn hard to mess up...of course VS would make it a cream of chicken and dodo with lumps of S****horpe wild dog...

In the end on a long haul flight, in the premier cabins, you shouldn't need to starve, very sad.

Anyhoo's..thanks for the TR GJ [y]

Sorry to come to this so late, just wanted to say ta muchly for two very entertaining TRs, GJ. You have a certain literary flair, sir.

Still, shows the sad state of affairs that dear old VS finds itself in - J food getting worse (who'd have thought that was possible?), service patchy, Z and G fares like rocking-horse sh*t and fares in general well above their BA equivalent. Things, my friends, do not bode well...

Great TR GJ, how was Positano?
Glad to see you are spreading the joys of Limoncello around the world. If you ever get chance, try Barolo Chinato. It is a type of dessert/herb?? type wine (based on, surprise surprise, Barolo) served with anything dark chocolate or black cherries. It is awful on it`s own but a revelation when drunk with any of the above.

Originally posted by Paul H
Great TR GJ, how was Positano?
Glad to see you are spreading the joys of Limoncello around the world. If you ever get chance, try Barolo Chinato. It is a type of dessert/herb?? type wine (based on, surprise surprise, Barolo) served with anything dark chocolate or black cherries. It is awful on it`s own but a revelation when drunk with any of the above.

I had a chocolate pudding at Le Sirenuse that was made with that! [y]

I'll do a review of Le Sirenuse specifically and Positano in general here soon.

GJ