V-Flyer

Ahh yes, a Trip Report. Now where do I start? I know I don't normally do these, but thought it might be fun to do one.

We arrived at Heathrow T3 around 7:45am for an early check-in as we both wanted to make full use of the London Heathrow Clubhouse, and we had treatments booked that were going to take a long time to complete. Anyway arriving at Terminal 3, we were greeted by the mass of construction work that was ensuing as BAA love to continually rip the place up and generally make it look like a shithole. At least the guy from the chauffeur park service was alert and noticed the car arriving.

A quick walk to Zone A soon found us ready to check in at Upper Class. The queue was quite short when we arrived, shame it wasnt going to stay that way for long. It transpired there was an issue with my ticket, and it took check-in over thirty minutes to resolve. It needed a supervisor to resolve the issue (it was out-of-sync, allegedly), and the supervisor was busy elsewhere. When he did arrive, he just typed a few commands into the computer terminal and said nothing to me. Was not particularly amused that he couldnt even have the decency to explain what the issue was or say sorry. They were left with a long backlog of J passengers given our bag was sat on the belt, tagged and unable to be dispatched.

With that, we shifted upstairs to the poorer relation of Cirque du Soleil, also known as Cirque du Stupidite. Act 1 was a rather pleasing short affair, with a quick progression through the laptop shuffle, and then over to Act 2 - Le Carnival des Chaussures which we tried to evade but the member of sleeping BAA staff awoke at the defining moment. So we were forced the indiginity of having to remove our shoes. The area smells quite like Id imagine the EasyJet customer service desk at Luton to smell like. We collected our shoes and made a run for it to the safe haven that is known as The Clubhouse.

The familiar safe zone, the third home as we call it. We left the names of our guests at reception (thejohn and his partner, Rosie the dividends of putting their itinerary on the site!) and then proceeded to find a suitable seating area for us to de-camp to. We were soon greeted by several known entities, and within a quick period Lady Sarah was at ease with a Mojito collected from her favourite member of bar staff. Our food order was swiftly taken, and I then proceeded to make a few calls and check e-mail. Sarah made use of the now free (at long last!) wireless Internet access. John and Rosie then arrived and we chatted for a while. Soon it was time for our treatments, and we headed off to get our barnets sorted. Refreshed from the fab treatments, we had a quick chat with a couple of staff we both know before having a quick skim through the comic that is known as the Daily Mail. The real papers were saved for onboard. Soon our time in the Clubhouse was up, and we bid farewell to John and Rosie and then made the short walk to Gate 29.

We were among the last to board, so we didnt have to follow the instructions that were given out in the Clubhouse to walk to the front of the queue. Naturally, it was time for the Spanish Inquisition. Where are you going? How long for? Etc. The desire to deliver sarcastic responses is so high, but I chewed my tongue instead. The physical element of the Inquisition next, emptying out possessions at the security table. The desire to be smart when I was asked to remove the battery, and inform the agent that a large number of laptops have removeable media bays too was again great but I just smiled and let him unpack my laptop bag, and then watch him struggle to pack it back up so neatly. It was then time to actually board; At last, the main event.

We had chosen 18A and 18C as we were travelling in PE on a 343, so wanted the front row. This wasnt an issue as the loads were as light as a miners wallet in 1985. Fortunately the aircraft was Jetstreamer (G-VHOL), which has the new PE seats and gave us both a chance to try them out. One of the crew passed through the cabin and offered mineral water, orange juice and sparkling wine. Yes thats right, sparkling wine. Maybe catering have done a deal with Freixnet, who knows what levels of crap they are going to serve up next. I can just see the future menu card for PE with the typical descriptive jargon for Blue Nun and Black Tower.

Blue Nun 2004
- A divine year, with a nutty aroma with traces of sweetcorn. A great all rounder for those that are new to not having to pay for alcohol on flights.

Black Tower 1985
- An exceptional vintage, strong acidic notes that leave a lasting impression youll never forget.

Anyway, a short while later we were offered headsets which we declined as we are Bose QC equipped, we were then given a menu card for the flight. The selection didnt actually look too bad:

Salad
- Greek pasta salad with cucumber, tomato, black olives and feta cheese.

Main course
- Roast Pork served with roasted potatoes, sage & onion stuffing, baby carrots, broccoli, apple sauce and gravy.
- Mediterranean Chicken served with Orzo pasta, summer bean salad and marinara sauce.
- Mushroom stroganoff served with Mississippi rice and red peppers.

Dessert
- Fru flirty lemon shot

The flight pushed back, and we were off. The new seats are quite nice to sit in, I personally found the head rest section a tiny bit firm though. The tiny paper cushion they dish out isnt really much use, but given the light load I was able to acquire a few more. Now we were graced with Odyssey, so I picked up the IFE guide and looked through the selection of films to try and find something to watch. Nada, nothing, zip I have never seen such a poor selection of films ever onboard. There was absolutely nothing at all, even the documentary selections were abysmal. Glad I had completely reloaded my iPod the night before, complete with a selection of pod/vodcasts. The Have I Got News For You and 8 out of 10 Cats casts are highly recommended, though you will need to control you laughter levels as Sarah had to tell me off a few times!

Meal service came round a few hours in, and it was not that shabby overall. The food was better than some of the recent Upper meals we have been presented. The only aspects I would mark the service down with would be the Do you want the Chicken, Beef, or Vegetarian factor; and the dessert was a joke. I think someone in catering has shares in Gu, as the dessert in PE was a lemon fruit shot. Yes, shot in size Im given a dessert spoon that wouldnt even fit the tiny pot; there wasnt enough in there for an anorexic wasp. Aside from these two aspects, It was quite alright, as I said better than some of our recent Upper dining experiences.

Not long after the meal service, the FSM appeared and managed to shock both Sarah and I with a few simple sentences. And it was a good shock, she had obviously looked through the passenger manifest and noticed that there were a couple of Golds in PE, so made a point of coming over to introduce herself, and thank us for our continued custom and loyalty as Gold Card holders. It is such a long time since a FSM has done this properly, we were both truly amazed; it costs nothing to do. She then added that the IFBT was quiet as the loads were light in Upper, and hardly anyone wanted a treatment, so if wed like a treatment each then we could. I had to step over Sarahs tongue as total amazement had struck her down. So off she trundled for a back massage, and then returned refreshed with the message that I could then go. The IFBT was really nice, and delivered the treatment as if it was normal, there was no Im doing you a favour air about her and we chatted about shopping in Washington and Virginia.

The rest of the flight passed without further event, me listening/watching my iPod and reading the selection of proper broadsheet newspapers that we had collected in the Clubhouse. Why crap such as the Daily Mirror and Daily Mail is put in the Clubhouse is beyond me, saying that there are far too many pretentious lifestyle magazine onboard and in the Clubhouse too.

Plane landed, and it was time to transfer to those silly buses on stilts that have that hideous carpet material all over; small tip for visitors to Washington Dulles, as you board the bus keep to the front, and dont walk down the length of the bus as you will exit by the same doors you board on. Passengers are packed on like sardines, and personal space is not an option. Fortunately we managed to get to the front of the immigration queue very quickly. There was some kind of back to the floor event with managers and suits milling round the immigration officers and watching what was happening. The suits were asking the agent questions about morale and conditions and the agent didnt hold back, it was kind of surreal. I wasnt even acknowledged or spoken to; really strange he was too busy bitching. The immigration clerk Sarah was seen by offered her some sightseeing and visitors tips on Washington D.C. an absolute first.
The luggage didnt take too long to come out which was a relief, and it was time to collect the rental car.

Overall, not a bad sector at all and the crew made the trip pleasant, with the FSM taking lead of the flight.

Richard

For one who says 'I don't normally do these' what a brilliant TR[y][y][y]

You really ought to do more of these as some of your observations are worthy of the V-Flyer Hall of Fame; for example:

we shifted upstairs to the poorer relation of Cirque du Soleil, also known as Cirque du Stupidite

And
The area smells quite like I'd imagine the EasyJet customer service desk at Luton to smell like

full marks for the FSM - as you say, it does not cost VS a penny, but look how this has helped retain customer loyalty.

buns

PS wonderful news about the true purpose of the trip[:w]

Glad you two were able to slum it over in PE!

Lovely.

The wine reviews were classic.

Glad you got the extra level of service your repeated custom deserves!

As for the Luton easyJet check-in, I cannot say, but the check-in at Stansted is odor free! [y]

Have a happy trip home!

GJ

Richard

Thanks for that - the scarcity makes it all the more valuable - and thanks for reiterating my recent TR point on where to sit on the mobile transfer vehicles [;)]...

A most enjoyable TR. You really should do more.

Given that this was a special trip the actions of the FSM must really have added to the sense of occasion.

Thanks for the tip about those execrable mobile lounges. I was going to have to peruse Decker's TR to jog my memory but you have saved me the effort [:w]

I think I would enjoy flying somewhere with you ... You seem to be able to read my mind

Yes, ticked off so many similar observations: the newspapers, the PE deserts, the sparkling wine, the FSM, the current poor film choice and so on. Spot on thanks. Here's a suggestion, start a sticky called FSM watch or similar, and see how many time this happens over a year!

Note to self - Fully read TR's rather than skim.

I though the wines what was actually being served[:I]

Thanks - a very interesting and amusing TR. Really enjoyed reading it and looking forward to the IAD-LHR one !
Cheers,
Ian

Fab TR Richard, thanks[:D]

I was pleased to read about the actions of the FSM on your flight. A big result on getting a treatment from the IFBT too.

Most entertaining, Richard, and informative. We must convince you to complete more of these delectable TRs!

Chuck-

Very good TR Richard, thanks. Like GJ, I loved your 'wine list' and it brought on a laugh out loud moment, very amusing!

I agree with HL too, your TR writing skills should be shared with us all much more often.

Thanks,
Neil