V-Flyer

When I go long haul I always try to get a window seat. That has nothing to do with admiring the view from 38,000 feet but everything to do with needing to rest my head when I sleep. Over the years I have found that my seat neighbours tend not to be too keen that this is on them so I opt for window seats. Having got allocated an aisle seat I purchased one of those horse shoe shaped cushion thingies which are meant to support your head. Several hours into my flight I, cushion thingy in place, nodded off in my aisle seat. Hallelujah…a FIRST. I was somewhat p*ssed off therefore when a few minutes later I was pushed awake by a hostie asking “would you like a tomato sandwich?” GRRRRR.


And speaking of aisle seats, the chap across the aisle from me (his H to my G) coughed and spluttered and sniffed and sneezed throughout the journey, not once resorting to a handkerchief or tissue and not once putting his hand in front of his mouth when he coughed. My mother, a stickler for manners, probably turned in her grave and she is not even dead yet.


Suddenly I understood those in the Far East who wear face masks (I have always thought such behaviour somewhat wimpy before but not now). In fact other passengers were wearing them on the plane and should the plane have had a shop selling them I would have brought several.


And then bizarrely, he got out of his seat, turned and faced it, placed his hands on the armrest, bent over and farted. I was enormously impressed with the volume (both the loudness and the seeming unending quantity of air being expelled). I cannot comment upon the noxiousness because I was in shock and self preservation kicked in and I didn’t dare breathe.


And then what comes after bizarre? He lifted his left leg and shook it as if trying to encourage the recently expelled wind out and away. I haven’t seen behaviour like that since school days. I do not know whether this was some sort of Far Eastern ritual, like our wetting the baby’s head or gilding the lily or tipping the velvet (whatever that might be) but it was certainly odd. Or perhaps the trouser leg thing had Masonic roots?


And speaking of aromas (why is it that they follow me on flights, regular readers of this forum, might remember this) how about garlic?


I love garlic, I eat it with all sorts of stuff. Yummy and also it is good for you. The only time I have a problem with it is when I haven’t eaten any and a person in close proximity has pigged out on it, ie my seat neighbour who quite clearly had eaten the garlic production of an entire nation, it exuded from her every pore. It made my eyes water and they were in enough trouble from the wind sharing earlier. I cried again when I noticed there was nothing on the menu featuring garlic, I had no defence mechanism…a long few hours just got longer.


Anyway, I haven’t a clue why I have written this because these events featured on the return journey. And I hate to worry the VS fan club but the return was much better than the outbound, or rather, the first leg of the outbound which is what this is about.


So ignoring such trivia, let me, dear reader, take you back to the beginning…how did I end up on VS200 from Heathrow to Sydney via Hong Kong.


I love Australia. Over the last 18 months or so I have been on five Adventures Before Dementia around OZ and have loved every single minute of every single one. I love the climate, the scenery, the people and the animals. Well, not all the animals…I don’t like these



or these.



and



I do like these however



and am rather fond of these too.



Anyway, I like sport and have always fancied going to a Boxing Day Test Match at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, not because of the cricket, which I can take or leave, (I am not and have never been a member of any army, barmy or otherwise) but for the occasion. And to do this in an Ashes tour even better. So down to Oz for the Melbourne and Sydney Tests, New Year’s Eve in Sydney and a few days of travel and sun and catching up with friends either side of the cricket before returning to the UK. ABD6 sorted.


Again I digress and report out of turn but the cricket was hopeless, of course. With one or two exceptions, England played with little pride and little skill. I heard that they submitted an 80 page dossier on what food they wanted to eat and when. It is a pity they didn’t produce a dossier on how to deal with good fast bowling. So the cricket, as an Englishman, was shite. The atmosphere and the banter and the fun was absolutely fabulous.


Back to booking the flights. It was then that I discovered the joys of flight pricing at Christmas. Blimey! My chosen carrier is Emirates. I am not an Emirates fan boy by the way, but on each of my EK flights the positives have far outweighed the negatives. I also have FF status with them which gets me into their lounges which are nice and full of yummy food and booze. However, they wanted over £2000 for an Economy return to Sydney which meant that I was going with someone else.


I then looked at the price comparison sites and there, via Last Minute, was a return with VS for about £1000. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing because the same flights on the same days came out at over £1700 on the VS website. I guess I had found the last cheap seat from a cheap fare bucket, from memory it was an M with the return being a Q. It will not surprise that I bit LM’s proverbial hand off!


As a matter of interest, the VS site price also got to over £2000 and EK got to £2300. The nearest cheap quote was from China Airways which came in at about £1550.


Flights sorted.

On 19 December I got a taxi from near Reading to Terminal 3, £35. Checked in, I had already done so online so it was all pretty painless then straight to security.


Sort of.

To get to the back of the queue for security I had to walk the length of the terminal, down some stairs, through an underpass, up some more stairs, along a corridor and then down some more stairs. On reflection, this was the perfect opportunity to break the world record for the longest conga ever in an airport terminal. Never mind. Anyway, it took 50 minutes to get to security. In fact I was lucky, because after 40 minutes or so, I was redirected to the quieter Fast Track channel.
Lucky me.


Security itself was efficient and speedy. So then into the mass of Terminal 3 which, despite the crowds struggling to get in, did not seem overly busy. No lounge access of course so I had to buy my own wine; “a glass of sauvignon sir, of course, medium of large? Large? That will be £6.” £6 FFS, £6 for a glass. Blimey, I buy bottles for near half that price (Sainsbury’s wine deals!!!). As a result I only had the one glass and drank that very slowly. In fact so slowly that the wine got to near room temperature and improved immeasurably. So remember my oenophile friends, you don’t need to serve your sauvignon too cold.


And then to the plane, seat 38 K for me on both outbound legs, with my beloved window to sleep against. We left an hour late as the plane had to have wings de-iced, a slow procedure because, as the pilot suggested, the de-icing crew were somewhat out of practice.


This is where I might attract VS fan club opprobrium but I generally know fairly early on whether it is going to be a good customer focused flight or not. Remember I am not in the J seats or even in PE but in good old fashioned Economy.


It has to do with how the cabin crew walk by. Do they exchange eye contact, banter or anything similar or do they have that looking into the distance gaze, inviting no contact at all. The crew on the VS200 LHR to HKG were experts at “no contact”. I genuinely had an “oh dear” reaction at the time for I could see how it was going to be and I was right. These were minimalists, that is they were going to be expending minimal effort on getting through their workload. Throughout the flight the cabin crew in Economy really were “missing in action”.


It is down to leadership as in all things. When the FSM made her opening speech and said “please only use the call button in an emergency” I knew where we were heading. Apart from anything else, on an overnight flight where people beside you are asleep, how on earth are you meant to communicate if the cabin crew are noticeable only for their absence and you cannot use the call button?


I used the call button. I pressed it because Vera gave up, that system really is rubbish, mine had to be rebooted four times and never really worked until it got some maintenance in HKG.


I could have got out of my seat and gone and found a crew member but the feat of gymnastics which would have been required to clamber over my comatose neighbour was beyond me. And the cabin crew are meant to be providing customer service FFS.


Anyway, bearing in mind that the call button was only to be "used in an emergency" I have yet to fathom out why it took nearly 25 minutes for the cabin crew to notice that it was on and answer it. 25 MINUTES!


Yes, this is making me cross as I write, because the whole flight featured crap service delivered by an inattentive disinterested lazy crew. And it shouldn’t be like that, particularly when all VS marketing is about customer service and product excellence.


Anyway, the rest of the first leg experience. The seat was a bit uncomfortable for my ageing bones but had plenty of legroom. The entertainment system was poor. The wine on all four flights to and fro was dire, both the red and white were disgusting and I have drunk Retsina so I know what I am talking about when I say dire and disgusting.


Again, cabin crew gone missing related, there was no second drink run, nor any water or juice offered other than with the meals, dinner and breakfast. Remember this is a twelve hour plus leg.


The food…I don’t know what to say…..I wont single out EK on which I have had several of the best meals on a plane ever, my recent chicken tikka in Y was incredible, but also had the worst meal on a plane ever…..but maybe someone in VS catering should look at what the competition is doing and at least match it. And plastic cutlery is so last century.


I know what I have written about in this day and age is trivial and a first world problem. And I arrived in Hong Kong safe and sound which ultimately really is all that is important. But, as far as these things go, it simply wasn’t good enough.


PS To balance things against this rubbish crew, all the other three legs (HKG-SYD, SYD-HKG and HKG-LHR) had good crews and the VS crew on the return HKG to LHR leg were exceptional, in fact so good that I would like to keep them in a box and get them out as my crew on whatever flight and whatever airline I fly on. There was none of that "don’t use the call button unless it is an emergency" crap and how refreshing it was to hear that FSM say “anything we can do, just let us know”. Chalk and cheese on the same airline, it was ever thus but it shouldn’t be. The food was still iffy, the booze was still dire and disgusting but it hardly mattered for the crew were hard working, friendly and fun.


And remembering that has made the first leg crew seem even worse.


Thanks for reading. I shall add some “guess what the food is” photos later.


Regards,
David.

Excellent as always HWV, that chap did sound very "Roo'd"...

See you got the Meh crew - "night flight = sit and read Bella"

Apparently there are some superb Crew on this route, just down to timing...

northernhenry wrote:Apparently there are some superb Crew on this route, just down to timing...

Indeed Mike, as I said the crew on the return HKG to LHR were faultless and did so much more work on what is an all night 12 hour plus flight, I lost count of the number of water/juice runs they did.

I had no problems counting those on the outbound! .

Highly entertaining, Mr Fartcough you observed would have had several sharp words from me!

Going out I suppose you booked before England decided not to appear in the Ashes, but as you say any trip to the MCG is great entertainment.

Please do consider using the feedback form online to comment on your crew out, VS management needs to know when things are so s***e. Especially you should note the contrast with the return - that's what VS is about! Mention dates and flight numbers specifically.

As for only using the call button in an Emergency... I would write in and complain as that is most certainly NOT the VS policy and that "senior" FSM should have their wrists well and truely slapped.

Oh dear. You're so right about the FSM setting the tone. Sounds as though yours was more interested in pleasing the crew than the pax. Result on the flight cost though.

Thank you for a very entertaining TR.

Shame about the crew

Not impressed by your treatment...

Very impressed by the speed and style of the TR however. All I have so far is a series of notes...'haircut', 'Alice Cooper', 'gusset' and 'rubber chicken'.

Hilarious! I can picture the fart incident in my head...I'll ignore the smell!
Great TR

Hilarious! I can picture the fart incident in my head...I'll ignore the smell!
Great TR

Thanks for the great report. It looks like I'll be doing a run to HKG in economy soon, so at least your report reminds me to keep on buying the lottery tickets.

Two things stand out - no drinks runs, and the call bell issue. Both are atrocious, in different ways. I would complain -- this is not the service VS is supposed to be selling.

Excellent TR, had me and hubby laughing out loud

Thanks for posting.
MrsB

Thank you for the great entertaining TR. What a shame about the dreadful service and uncouth passenger.

Thank you for a most amusing TR.
Can't wait for the food photos !

That was a great read and had me in stitches on the train.

Thanks for the TR David. A most enjoyable format and rather Jeremy Clarkson in style
Thankfully I have never heard the "only in emergency" request for the call button. I'm sure I too would choose to ignore such a ridiculous announcement.

Pity about the crew on the first flight but good to hear you had better treatment thereafter. When you add the pictures of the food is there on of you being on the receiving end of your farting friend?

at240 wrote:Two things stand out - no drinks runs, and the call bell issue. Both are atrocious, in different ways. I would complain -- this is not the service VS is supposed to be selling.

Interestingly, the printed menu shows no pre-dinner drinks run on the LHR-HKG/HKG-LHR legs....although the menu for the shorter HKG-SYD/SYD-HKG legs does ......"to start, your choice of drink".

So the 12 hour+ overnight flight in either direction doesn't have the pre dinner drinks run while the 8 hour overnight flight does.


And the excellent crew on the HKG-LHR return actually did a pre-dinner drinks service despite none being on the menu. So maybe there is some flexibility on this which the minimalist crew used to THEIR advantage (Yes, I am still cross!!!).


And now we have a main meal...it actually tasted better than it looked...I guess it had to!!!!

Thank you for the TR, sorry to read it wasn't a great experience.

Great TR ,thanks for sharing

An update.

As suggested, I filled in a form on the VS site, outlining the primary issues I had on the LHR-HKG leg of my trip down to OZ. I am not after anything, by the way, other than hoping the lazy FSM gets a warning shot fired across her bows.


I got an immediate bog standard acknowledgement on the 13th January. On the 20th I got another acknowledgement, giving me a reference number and promising a response within 14 days.


14 days were up on the 3rd February.......it is now the 6th!!
And so far nothing.
Just saying!

At last a response, somewhat later than indicated but I won't be churlish.


The content was as expected, "we are always aiming to stay ahead of the crowd and provide the very best service we possibly can" etc and that words will be had with the particular crew pointing out their priorities.

Hopefully they will be had or alternatively, old cynic that I be, the words in the e-mail will be "that should shut the moaning minnie up" rhubarb.


Either way I don't care too much. I am more interested in seeing what Etihad has to offer when ABD7 starts in April.

I'm somewhat late reading this TR and loved it, laughed out loud. Maybe you'll get another "response" - I complained similarly about a disastrous return flight EWR/LHR a couple of years ago, got the same sort of bland email but on our next flight to EWR, we were upgraded to UC at check-in. No CH access alas but it made up for the bland email. Fingers crossed for you.