This is a Trip Report from the Upper Class cabin
Ground Staff
Food & Drink
Entertainment
Seat
Cabin Crew
....all
....too
....challenging
and it ended up a single phone call to VH to set us for 11 nights at East Winds in St Lucia.
Now, I don't want you to go away with the impression that this was done in an unthinking manner. I had, of course, done a number of price comparisons to assess bundled / unbundled costs, spoken with a number of TAs but the VH price with FC discount was as good as it got.
Most importantly, though, having seen that A330s were settling in to be the standard airframe for Caribbean and missing out on the refurbished LGW747 last time around I had also looked to find a suitable caribbean destination served by a 747. And couldn't. And so it was that at about 9.20 on Sunday 3rd August we were settling into our seats on the SorryBus 330, so named by us (well, me) due to the number of times you hear the word "sorry" as passengers and crew navigate the aisles bumping into seats and one another.
Hilton points had secured us a room for the evening before, where Hilton status got us swiftly checked in and resident in the Exec Lounge, with an uninspired food offering but free flowing drink. As such quite unlike both the Dartford crossing and the Twilight Check in, where bunged up and going nowhere was the order of the day. Not that there were many people at check in, just that they were to be taking a looooong time to process, most of which appeared to be related to seat allocation. Cheeriness was the order of the day with the agents, particularly for the families with children where there was a lot of "And where are you going? How exciting!" and admiring of backpacks and soft toys which was good to see. When ours were little it felt good when a bit of a fuss was made of them.
When it came to our turn to the desk were told "oh, you should just have gone to the Upper desk". There had been nothing to indicate that we could, and to be honest time to spare was something we had in spades, but it would have been a simple matter to put up an additional tensa barrier in front of that desk, taking people from the main queue when no one is waiting in the Upper queue.
Next morning with the priority security stickers on our boarding cards and the priority security lane actually open we were SEQ 3 and 4 into the Clubhouse (making a run of four for SEQ 1 and 2 from OLCI) for our second ever visit. As with our first such visit a couple of years ago, we were greeted warmly,with a sense of fizzle enhancing excitement about our trip.
Soon joined (naturally and would you expect anything different) by a fizzle enhanced fermented grape juice or three. Taken, of course, with accompanying water and coffee, to prove to myself (if no-one else) that I am being grown up about this.
And so time passed. The Observer was read (hallelujah, a real paper!), my deck shoes accepted as a challenge by the chap buffing up the footwear, MrsPJH off for a nail session...and then two people walked in who we kind of recognised. Eventually it twigged to both pairs that we had met at East Winds two years back. Greetings were exchanged, and yes, we were all going to be sharing the same beachfront again. Visited by the FC lady.to whom I may just have mentioned, once or twice, the generally low levels of reward availablity and the inability to find return flights in an appropriate timeframe where the outbounds did exist. "Have you thought about paying for the return flight?" was her response.
We were called a little later than the time on the boarding pass, making our way down to Gate 20-something and managing to miss it. Why? No passengers at the gate. At all. No queue, no one sat around. This really isn't good enough - what's the point in having UC if you can't make it clear to the masses that you have it and they don't? I feel a missive to Crawley on the subject coming on, covering the need to adopt a "nightclub with large queue and guest list" model to up the ante of the experience. On second thoughts maybe not as I'd probably get the same line from the door staff as the last time somebody tried to drag me into a night club...."not in those shoes, mate".
Turn left and down to our assigned seats (bump...."sorry"...bump..."sorry"...) and quickly settled with a glass (boule) of something fizzy. Observing the activity around it is clear that not everyone has pre assigned their seats as there are were several small (in number, not stature) groups split up and scattered about the cabin. (Even at OLCI there most of the cabin was still available). Given the family located nearby who were split 2 adults 1 child in the centre and 1 child next to me, I feared a "would you mind awfully....?" coming my way, and took to practicing "I do not speak english" in a number of languages supported by some top quality glaring. Slightly mean, I know, but I had chosen the seats with care and yer dad in 2D could first ask the woman in 1D, whose partner was in 1A,first. No way was I surrendering my window seat to sit between strangers in the cramped middle. Anyway, it never came to that, and the two boys behaved impeccably throughout even when being studiously ignored by their parents.
No champagne refill before the safety film (which liked when I saw it on V-Flyer, but in situ revised my opinion, thinking a more traditional "you're on an aircraft" may be better), an early pushback and into the process of deciding what to watch, read and eat. The latter of these was actually impossible at this point as there were no menus set out. Hot towels distributed, some used for cleaning (not good).
Vera selection was fine in my opinion, and some negotiation entered into about what we would be watching so that we could ensure that we only watched things that we wouldn't want to share watching at home. Pleased to see that the complete series of "True Detective" was available, a bit of Louisana noir being just the thing for a flight to the sun. I found the touch screen operation frustrating, as occasionally it skipped back rather than forward when scrolling through the items available. I'm not convinced that touch screen technology is right for IFE, as it must get a real hammering.
Landing cards, crisps and drinks distributed and attended to in that order. Traditional g&t (though with lemon rather than lime) taken.
Menus still did not appear, with the crew explaining the beef / chicken / vegetarian options. I'm sure they only gave three options, but the menu card I found on the flight back suggested there should have been four, in which case I may have gone for the chicken rather than the beef. Anyhow, when the latter arrived it proved fine, not brilliant, fine but it was enhanced by a few glasses of a toothsome Malbec that was one of the red offerings.
MrsPJH and I opted to dine together, as did the family opposite. This produced some frantic whispering on the part of the crew that was not quiet enough to hide the fact that a couple of them were worried that they would be banging into the backs of people. They were assured by the more senior members that they would manage, and they did.
Turbulence made its presence felt during the meal service, and as there are no seat belts on the ottomans I asked one of the crew whether I needed to retreat to my seat. Perhaps sensing that the interface of my rear and the ottoman was producing a grip that even a loop the loop wouldn't shift I was assured that I should only do so if I saw the crew stopping the meal service.
Meal completed with a medicinal brandy I did then make my way back to my seat (about as much exercise as I would get for the next two weeks) and settled in to complete my Bryant and May mystery and then a view of some of the first episode of series 3 of "Sherlock" and episodes of a couple of my favourite TV shows, "Modern Family" and "Veep". That I missed some of "Sherlock" may have been down to a postprandial Gentleman Jack that I acquired from the bar, which appeared to be mostly unoccupied through the flight, though it was clearly set up to serve and there were several crew members hovering in that area.
Afternoon tea came around, with the dolls' house cake stand. Not sure the sandwiches were up to much, but the scone and the macaroon were great. Later on mystery quiche (?!) was offered up. Now perhaps this what had got loaded as part of the light bite offering, but it's not on the menu card I found on the return flight.
I fell prey to an acute bout of melancholia at one point,and I sought solace in the music offerings on Vera.Perhaps choosing to listen to Elbow's "My Sad Captains" repeatedly was not the best way out of this mood slump, but eventually I took some quick belts of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" and Elton's classic pairing of "Your Sister Can't Twist (But She Can Rock'n'Roll)" and "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting". Given our destination perhaps some Bob Marley or "Yellow Bird" may have been more appropriate, but I needed the music equivalent of caffeine rather than the equivalent of a huge spliff or some rum.
Suitably reinvigorated, I then realised the seat belt signs were on and the descent had started. Warnings from the crew about the high temperature and humidity came over the tannoy just as the skies were getting increasingly grey and more and more rain was hitting the windows.As we touched down I wondered what the same event had felt like on the flight where the nearby river had burst over the runway. Not good, I would think.
Once we had rolled to a halt and the steps attached the rain had gone, though the skies were still grey. Even so, when the door was opened and the warm air came in I thought "yesss!". We were off quickly even though the crew hadn't held back the PE passengers on the starboard side, and through immigration in justa couple of minutes.
Whilst waiting for the bags, I thought about the A330,and the fact it seems just not quite right.Aside from the seat issue, there's the single toilet at the front, innaccessible during meal service and so close to the cockpit door I thought I was a candidate for a tasering as I approached it. And then a toilet sign at the front of the cabin that refers to a facility at the rear of the cabin. From the parade of people looking for confused as they wandered in and out of the front galley area I wasn't the only one bemused by this.
Such thoughts had to be abandoned as the luggage carousel started up and the porters started bein "helpful" with the bags. As I only had a small number of USD20 notes which I didn't intend to hand over for a 50 yard trolley dash, we grabbed ours and towed them out thrw the doors to find the VH rep and our car (I had wimped out on the helicopter), and we were almost immediately on our way.
All in all, a fine experience, even with the A330. We'd been fed and watered well, put in a relaxed frame of mind and the holiday was off to a great start.
We can get better, because we're not dead yet
