Funny Speaker Announcements

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

"Cabin crew doors to manual and cross-dress please"

Made me laugh on return from NYC this year.

From the Captain..

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard this Virgin Atlantic flight from London Heathrow to....*long pause*...er....Oh..Los Angeles!".

Made everyone laugh!

catsilversword wrote:
On a Southwest flight recently, the usual announcement to please keep belts on until the aircraft has stopped completely, followed immediately with 'right, get off'!

We've also flow with Southwest which is an experience not to be missed; leather seats in economy, bring your own pizza / Chinese food / ribs to eat during the flight and, for our flight LAX-LAS, a free bar service as the flight was delayed. On arrival in LAS, the cabin announcement was a to-the-point 'We're here. Get off'.

Maybe it's kept simple for our American cousins?

I was on VS07 earlier in the year and there was a Scottish FA making the usual announcements about only drinking alcohol served on board. Then he added an unusually colouful bit of language about not serving drinks to people who appear to be:" ....intoxicated, trousered, blutered"!

I'd not heard the last term before, but with his broad Glaswegian accent there was no doubt what it meant

I suspect he meant "bladdered" a quaint 'Jockanese' term for tipsy + more .......so I am led to believe by others who are nothing to do with me 'coz I have never been in said state (Honest!)

on a flight from miami to lhr last year just after take off the female senior cabin attendant went through the usual 'welcome aboard' talk, she reminded passengers that the flight was strictly no smoking and explained that, quote;

'you all will have noticed this plane is fitted with multiple door's, the more observant amongst you will have noticed i am very fit and I AM authorised to throw you out of said doors should you attempt to light any smoking material'

absolute tongue in cheek comic gold !