Right! Having got that out of the way, are you sitting comfortably? Then Ill begin.
I had flown over to LHR the night before on Aer Lingus on a flight which was unremarkable apart from the fact that I met a former colleague at the airport with whom I had shared an office some 20+ years ago and spent the time both before and after the flight catching up in an orgy of Do you remember...? and What happened to...? It was most enjoyable and therefore it was a contented honey lamb who took herself off to the Crowne Plaza hotel for the night. The most noteworthy thing there was the guy who hopped off the Hoppa bus ahead of the posse anxious to be first in the line at Reception. On one of his bags was a pristine Upper Class tag and on the other was a silver FC card which was seriously out of date. How do I know? It was the old style card which had been phased out about two years or so ago. If it was someone who is reading this you have been outed!! [}:)]
The following morning at about 7:00am I joined the milling throng well the dozen or so people - who were waiting for the Hoppa bus which came some 10 minutes later and took us straight to LHR without any other hotel calls. Safely deposited at T3 I made my way to the Upper Class check-in aware that I was going to test my Au card for the first time since I was travelling in PE for the first time in yonks. I was warmly greeted by the security guy who chatted as I waited for a desk to be free. The PE line was longer so there was nothing to be gained by moving over and there were no major delays with those checking in so I was quickly seen. My final destination was to Greensboro in NC and I had a through ticket so I requested my bags to be tagged all the way through although I was aware that I would have to claim them at IAD and hand them back after clearing Customs. I also asked if it were possible to check me in for that flight which was with United and although the check-in guy did his damnedest, he couldnt. I asked if it were possible to check in at the United desk and he suggested I try, directing me over to zone G. He was friendly, pleasant and helpful and it wasnt his fault he couldnt check me through, although he did so with my luggage and so check-in gets full marks.
At this stage I should say that my anxiety to check all the way through was because of the two occasions I had gone through IAD there had been difficulties. The first time there was no seat for Aer John on a United flight when we arrived which took an hour to sort out and the second time it took us exactly an hour to get through Immigration. With two hours between the flights I didnt want a repeat of either. So, VS boarding card in hand I made my way over to zone G and joined the line for the security check. I outlined my mission to the girl there who said No problem and directed me towards the ticketing desk and towards one of the rudest agents I have met. [V] There were two agents working there and both busy. The furthest one away was dealing with a guy who was clearly in a hurry and I stepped aside to let him out since there wasnt room for the two of us to be in that area, whereupon the agent shouted out Cmon! Hurry up, please. I got to the desk and made my request only to be told brusquely, No. Not, Im sorry or Im afraid its not possible, but No! Taken aback by his attitude I blinked and told him that the girl at security had told me it could be done whereupon he responded, Well, she was wrong then. If you wanted to check through, you shoulda flown United Yeah, right! Like I SO want to fly United after that experience! The only advantage was that when I went upstairs the escalator brought me out just at the entrance to Fast Track!
The Au card once more saw me through those hallowed portals and the queue was not too bad, although a few minutes after I arrived it really filled up. I noticed however that a lot of people seemed to be getting secondary searches and as I went through the machine beeped and I too was subjected to a pat-down. I remarked on it to the lady doing the secondary and she told me that the machine was selecting a lot of random searches that morning and I was one of them. The shoe carnival appeared to be mandatory and of course there is always someone who arrives at the machines before you fully booted with tightly laces who appear surprised when asked to remove their shoes and then you must wait while they wobble precariously on one foot trying to unlace them and they always have boots or walking shoes on! Once released from that area I skipped off lightly in my slip-on shoes to the comfort of the Clubhouse. Thank you dear Au card!
By this time it was just about 8a.m. and breakfast was the order of the day. I tucked into a very nice Eggs Royale or rather Egg Royale, before seeking out ukcobra and having a very nice chat with him till his work colleague arrived. In any case it was nearly time for my appointment and so I presented myself for an excellent wash and blow-dry before immediately repairing to the Ladies to brush it out a bit! I then decided that the sun was over the yardarm somewhere in the world and therefore champagne was the order of the day while I perused V-Flyer. Incidentally, I should mention that at gate 23 directly in front of the Clubhouse window was a BA747. At one stage it pushed back but when I looked again it was back in situ. There was no sign of the Air India 747 which is usually there.
After a very pleasant stay in the Clubhouse we were called to board at gate 24 and advised that the time to get to the gate was 10 minutes. Huh? [?] Gate 24 was opposite gate 23, wasnt it? And gate 23 was in front of the Clubhouse, wasnt it? So what was with the 10 minutes? We soon found out. We trotted out of the Clubhouse and towards gate 24 which was indeed opposite gate 23 and down a short escalator to find the gate area deserted. Oh, joy! Priority boarding was working. It was even working to the extent that when an economy passenger was boarded along with us she was sent the long way round to a gate agent who was on the phone. When that agent raised her eyebrows in query to the one taking our boarding passes she was told Im looking after the Upper class passengers Alas no beep for me when I went through but Expert Flyer had shown the flight to be wide open so I didnt expect it. So there we were in the area of gate 24 and I suddenly realised something was missing a plane!! [:0] We were to be bussed out to the aircraft which is why there was no-one there and why we had been told it took 10 minutes. Shortly after that the bus arrived and we were taken through the bowels of LHR, through tunnels and under roads until we finally arrived to where Mustang Sally and Maiden Tokyo were waiting side by side. Some of the PE passengers were getting very excited at the sight of Mustang Sally and were disappointed when the bus fetched up alongside Maiden Tokyo. Resisting the urge to wave to my adoring fans from the top of the stairs, I for the first time in a long time, turned right on a VS plane.
I have to say I was impressed with the PE cabin. It had the new leather seats and looked very well. However as I prepared for departure I realised how much I missed the nooks and crannies for storing things like books, spectacle cases, iPod and all the things essential to my well-being on a long haul flight. My neighbour for the next few hours joined me and seemed a pleasant enough guy and in fact was really a very nice chap, considering all the grief he got from me going up and down to the loo! Once I was nicely settled the cabin crew came round offering orange juice or Bucks Fizz. What happened to champagne? However at that stage everybody seemed to be settled; it was 11:20 and looked like an on-time departure and I wasnt going to rock any boats so I opted for Bucks Fizz which was bought in a glass and very nice it was too. At that stage the captain came on and announced a flying time of 7 hours 53 minutes and that we should be departing shortly. A swift calculation told me we should be early, or at least on time and so I snuggled back into my seat content. It was short-lived! 11:30 came and went and there was no sign of the door closing and we waited and waited. At 11:40 the captain announced they were waiting for just one more busload of passengers and then we would be off! EEEEK!! Finally the bus arrived and at about 11:55 the doors were closed and we pushed back. After we had trundled to the far runway at LHR and waited our turn another 30 minutes had passed and we took off an hour late an hour which had eaten big time into my two hour connection. [:0]
Once released for their duties the cabin crew came round with hot towels which really were hot and then started a drinks round. I decided to listen to my iPod but as I switched it on I realised I had forgotten to charge it before I left and the battery was dead. I couldnt remember if there was any power in the PE seats but one of the cabin crew, A came out with laptop tips for the two guys in front of me. I asked for iPod tips but he was unsure whether they carried them and went to look. He came back with them and helped me to plug it in and I took the opportunity while he was there to ask if I could see the FSM at some stage after the meal service etc when things would be less busy, explaining I was a little bit concerned about my transit through IAD given our late departure and would like some assistance. Concerned! Thats the understatement of the year! By this time I was looking at my watch every ten seconds; fidgeting in my seat; twisting my handkerchief and if I had been in the habit of biting my nails they would have been at the quick by then. To my surprise the FSM arrived almost immediately and welcomed me on board. I explained to her my dilemma about my connection time and she was offering to make contact with IAD for assistance through Immigration when suddenly I said, I can smell burning. We sniffed and she said that she could too. We sniffed some more and suddenly I realised my iPod was red-hot and it was that that we could smell. Quick as a flash I disconnected it and handed it to her to show her how hot it was and we disconnected the tips immediately. At her request I tried to turn it on but to no avail. It was gone! Kaput! Dead! Gone to that great big Apple Store in the sky! She was great! She immediately reported it to the captain who decreed that no power outlets on that seat were to be used and then returned to ask if either of us wanted to use a laptop or anything as she would move us if that were the case. Neither of us did and so she took all the details from me about the iPod and also my name and address and phone number. She then went back to my original request and undertook to have someone walk me through Immigration etc. Several times during the flight she came back to me to inform me she had done just that and there would be someone to meet the plane and what would happen when we landed. Much re-assured (and iPodless) I began to relax and enjoy the flight.
After a nice G&T, the meal choice was braised beef or chicken tikki masala or a vegetarian option. I chose the beef which was fine. It was hot and tasty accompanied by a red wine followed by a Gu pot. During the meal the wine glass was re-filled, which hadnt happened on my last UC flight, and after the meal came the Brandy and Baileys round altogether a very pleasant meal. Later on the snack was to be a choice of biscuits or a slice of fruit cake or Green and Blacks chocolate which wasnt that substantial but suited me.
I really didnt watch the IFE. It was Odyssey and I had missed the beginning of any film but I did use the iMap which I like to have on. At one stage the guy beside me (who had the aisle seat) had looked out of the window while I had visited the loo and when I returned pointed out Greenland to me. The map showed that we were well south of that country and besides I had photos taken from a couple of journeys on VS19 and I hadnt the heart to tell him he was looking at clouds! [:D] I read for most of the flight and dozed for a bit. I must say I rather like the PE blankets which are shaped to fit round your neck and are light but warm and soon we were beginning our descent to IAD which is when the fun began! The FSM came by to tell me that she wouldnt know till they were on the ground whether or not we would be deplaning from the front of the aircraft or the back, which apparently sometimes happens at IAD but that A would walk me to the door and there would be someone to meet me. The guy beside me offered to swap seats to make it easier for me, bless him and I gratefully accepted.
My onward flight was at 4:40 and at 3:15 we landed, proceeded to taxi to the terminal and the clock started. TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! Just before the gate the plane stopped and the captain came on to say we were waiting for a Korean Airlines plane to vacate our gate and we should be on stand in another ten minutes. TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! As soon as the aircraft stopped A arrived and brought me to the door and once it was opened there was someone waiting for me. She however was looking for another passenger to be paged as well and another guy who was leaving UC realising we were being escorted through, asked if he could join us. It turned out that the UC guy had a 4:40 connection to ATL and the guy who was being paged had a 4:20 connection to Indianapolis. So having gathered her little lambs our shepherdess ushered us to those d*mn mobile lounges they use at IAD and positioned us at the front, making sure that everyone moved further back. TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! We didnt have to wait too long for the lounge to depart for the Immigration hall but there was a slight skirmish just as it arrived as a porter wanted to offload a wheelchair passenger first but the ground staff insisted we went first because of our connections. However, calamity was to befall! We tried to leave the lounge but a guy in the hall insisted we would have to wait as another lounge (from another flight) had arrived before ours and we had to wait. TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! In vain did our shepherdess try to argue our short connecting time but no, those were the rules and Mr Jobsworth was abiding by them. Once released we were escorted to the front of the line and the ground staff explained to those waiting in the line about our short connections and they had no objections. Not so, however, as far as Mr Jobsworth the Second, aka Mr Immigration Officer. I was ushered forward as soon as he was free only to be ordered Go back and stand behind the line! and demanded to know off the ground staff why we were queue-jumping. TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! Finally and grudgingly he allowed us to be processed and we were released into the next-to-final hurdle the Baggage Hall. By this time it was nearly 4pm and we felt that if the bags came off pretty quickly we stood a fair chance of getting there on time although we recognised that the flights had probably closed at that stage. Still anything was worth a try. So we waited TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! And waited TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK! And waited TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK!
At that stage the travel gods decided to offer a glimmer of hope or tease us mercilessly. Word came through that there was a security alert was on in the airport and no-one was being allowed upstairs or into the airport. Mind you the bags werent coming through and we began to see our hopes fading away. It was getting to the stage where the first of the VS passengers were joining us and in fact the crew started to come through. The poor FSM nearly dropped when she saw me there. Finally at long last the carousel started up at nearly 4:20 and we watched as first of all the crew bags came out, then a whole orchestra of musical instruments before finally the rest of the bags came through. Mr 4:20 to Indianapoliss came first and I urged them to go ahead to the transfer desk in case he could still make his flight while I waited for mine. It came a few minutes later and although there was a long line for Customs I blagged my way through and presented myself at the transfer desk where Mr 4:20 to Indianapolis was ranting and raving because he couldnt get on the flight and there was none till the next day and was insisting VS accommodate him. I just wished he would move away from the desk so that I could see what my fate was.
So at 4:30 I was told that I had been rebooked on the 10pm flight. Great! 5 hours to hang around IAD. Too far to go and meet friends and nothing to do. Clutching at straws I plaintively asked if there was any hope I could make the flight and the gate agent, God bless her little cotton socks, agreed to check me in on it to see if I could make it. Handing over my luggage I headed off to find the security alert still in full flow and a crowd gathered at the foot of the escalators. Quickly and stealthily I wound my way towards the foot of the escalators, collecting numerous bruises on my shins with the ludicrous amount of carry-on luggage they bring in the USA, ready for the off as soon as the signal was given. A minute or so after I arrived, the cops came downstairs escorting a guy in handcuffs with one of the cops incongruously carrying a small baby-blue case such as one might see mdvipond jnr trundling in a year or sos time which was no doubt exhibit A. Immediately the crowd became like greyhounds straining at the leash, the flag was dropped and we were off! Sensibly, the authorities had decided not to switch on the escalators and up we charged, elbowing and jostling each other to join the security lines. To be fair these were very well managed and moved swiftly and as the witching hour of 4:40 was upon us I became fatalistically calm. We shuffled along urged by the staff to have passports open at the picture page if that was our ID and only to carry our own boarding cards. Parents were exhorted not even to carry their childrens and I had a vision of a new-born infant clutching its boarding pass and remembered Aer Johns propensity as a toddler to eat paper. It would have been gone by the time we reached the head of the queue!
Once released from security I scampered along to the A gates where finally the travel gods decided I had suffered enough. There was a mobile lounge due to go in 45 seconds time and when I exited it at 4:47 there on a huge departure board were the magic words Now departing 17:00. The gate was in sight and with another quick scamper I was through it and almost sobbing with relief and joy, into the arms of a nice, sonsy flight attendant.
I know its not customary to continue with flights from other airlines but just to finish the tale please indulge me. The flight left five minutes later and the flight attendant announced that as it was a 38 minute flight there would be no service but if we wanted anything just let her know. She then fetched up beside me and asked in her lovely Southern accent, Can I get you anything, honey? How did she know my name?! [:w] We arrived safely at GSO, but my bag didnt! It had been booked on the 10pm flight!
