Funny Speaker Announcements

Anyone have any funny announcements they've heard on their flights from either the service crew or flight deck?

I have a few from the flight-deck on flights from LHR-LAX:

1. The plane was late from leaving the gate and the captain said: "We're a little late off our scheduled take-off, but rest assured we will be pedalling as fast as we can to make up time".

2. "Welcome to LAX, we just have to wait for the tug to escort use to the gate. They trust us to fly across the world, but don't trust us to park the plane".

lolol

Please share some more!

"If you want to smoke onboard this Virgin Atlantic aircraft, we advise you to sit on the wing, after all, as we say in the business; if you can light it, you can smoke it!"

1. The steps have been attached to the aircraft but there's a bit of a gap so you may have to ... well ummn ... jump!"

2. Ladies and gentlemen please remain in your seats until we have come to a full and complete stop ... not that there's really any other kind of stop"

(Don't remember attempts at humour on any airline other than VS)

If you're here on business, i hope you get some pleasure. If your here on pleasure, i hope you get some business.

Were landing to the West so that means we will have to go round the houses in order to get us on the ground.

We should be away in a few minutes - the ground crew are just trying to fit the last of the cases in the boot.

[honey lamb]

One FSM announced "A pair of dentures has been found in one of the washrooms. Would the owner please inform a member of the cabin crew and we will return them" Alas the FSM has been on more than one of my flights and the dentures have morphed into a swimming thong (in early January on a flight to JFK - I don't think so) and a pair of gent's underpants. It has become decidedly unfunny.

From the cockpit: "Ladies and gentlemen, Virgin Atlantic has an excellent cabin crew. Unfortunately they are not on this flight" Unfortunately he was right!

"All ashore whose going ashore"
-One of the cabin crew, can't remember his name, but I've seen him a few times. He speaks with an Irish accent and has wicked sideburns.

*Whilst pulling into the gate*

"Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately due to a shortage of groundtaff today we will be looking for volunteers to help clean the plane, if you would like to volunteer simply stand up while the seat belt sign is still on"

Bums to seats very quickly afterwards.

Heard that one a few times recently...

*Whilst pulling into the gate*

"Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately due to a shortage of groundtaff today we will be looking for volunteers to help clean the plane, if you would like to volunteer simply stand up while the seat belt sign is still on"

Haha that made me lol =P

Easyjet flight and CC doing pre landing announcement about not leaving anything on the plane as if pax did the left items would become property of the crew.

However this 'offer' did not extend to unwanted wives / husbands / children!

However despite the announcements some dolt did leave his laptop on the plane and a CC bounded down the steps waving it at us as we waited to go through the door into the terminal.

"Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to London Heathrow where the local time is.. incorrect on my watch. Just a moment.. 8:40am."

"the lifejacket also contains a whistle, useful for attracting the attention of burly sailors"
"Would cabin crew please lash themselves to the fuselage whilst we take our final nose dive into London heathrow"

Both on same CPT-LHR flight in 2005...LOL

NH

At the start of the runway about to take off, the captain comes on the PA and shouts "Heeeere gooes".
It got a great laugh from all on board.

"Fly Dumbo, fly" from the flight deck just as the wheels left the ground on the way to Orlando! All the kids thought it was great.
Then "whoa Dumbo, whoa" as we landed - met with big cheers!!

[honey lamb]

"Fly Dumbo, fly" from the flight deck just as the wheels left the ground on the way to Orlando! All the kids thought it was great.
Then "whoa Dumbo, whoa" as we landed - met with big cheers!!

At the start of the runway about to take off, the captain comes on the PA and shouts "Heeeere gooes".
It got a great laugh from all on board.

Both very funny but I doubt if these came on from the flight deck. There is far too much going on during take-off and landing for PA announcements and in any case the cockpit is a "sterile" area below 10,000 feet and no unnecessary conversations are permitted. It was more likely to be a cabin crew

Loads of extracts and pictures on here:
http://www.southafrica.to/transport/Airlines/Kulula-flights/Kulula-humour.php5

It's all about South Africa's equivalent to EasyJet but with a sense of humour..Enjoy

Paul

From South West

"Sorry folks, we really are not trying to drive all the way to the Hotel, just seems we can't find an empty gate"

On a Southwest flight recently, the usual announcement to please keep belts on until the aircraft has stopped completely, followed immediately with 'right, get off'!

"the lifejacket also contains a whistle, useful for attracting the attention of burly sailors"
"
NH

I have had that same one -delivered by a (rather camp) male steward


also during the safety briefing "in the event of an emergency on land use the slides on the upper and lower decks and if we land on water use the lower decks only. After exiting the slides run away from the plane quickly"

I had visions of all of us skipping across the water

I was on VS07 earlier in the year and there was a Scottish FA making the usual announcements about only drinking alcohol served on board. Then he added an unusually colouful bit of language about not serving drinks to people who appear to be:" ....intoxicated, trousered, blutered"!

I'd not heard the last term before, but with his broad Glaswegian accent there was no doubt what it meant

On a Southwest flight recently, the usual announcement to please keep belts on until the aircraft has stopped completely, followed immediately with 'right, get off'!

Are you sure it was 'get' ? ): ):

On a Southwest flight recently, the usual announcement to please keep belts on until the aircraft has stopped completely, followed immediately with 'right, get off'!

Are you sure it was 'get' ? ): ):

Nope lol

Years ago on an internal flight from LA to Vegas the captain announced that the first officer would be landing the plane for the very first time with passengers onboard adding "and, if we make it, please give him points out of 10 as you diembark"

and on a more recent Ryanair flight prior to departing Livepool for Dublin "Will all passengers in the front 6 rows and the last 6 rows stand up and move towards the centre of aircraft and occupy all vacant seats" This was not an attempt at humour but was to save the crew having to tidy a dozen rows of seats during the turnround in Dublin!

and on a more recent Ryanair flight prior to departing Livepool for Dublin "Will all passengers in the front 6 rows and the last 6 rows stand up and move towards the centre of aircraft and occupy all vacant seats" This was not an attempt at humour but was to save the crew having to tidy a dozen rows of seats during the turnround in Dublin!

Hmmm not sure about the logic of that! Surely it means twice as many seats for the CC to check and clean.

[honey lamb]

and on a more recent Ryanair flight prior to departing Livepool for Dublin "Will all passengers in the front 6 rows and the last 6 rows stand up and move towards the centre of aircraft and occupy all vacant seats" This was not an attempt at humour but was to save the crew having to tidy a dozen rows of seats during the turnround in Dublin!

Nope! It was for weight and balance

That would be for trim, I imagine?